The first time I let a man go down on me, as I was laying there I felt as though I were giving my body to science. I was conflicted by the whole experience, but I didn’t know then that I was about to discover something that opened a whole new world of possibilities in my life.
It was not the first time I felt an orgasm, but orgasm from masturbation and orgasm from having a tongue on your most intimate part is quite different, to say the least! I did not know what to expect, but my body seemed to sense that this man was going to give me intense pleasure. I have come to notice over time that my body knows a lot more than I ever suspected, especially when it comes to sex, but that’s another story!
Back to the oral sex I was receiving…
I remember the flood of judgements that came rushing through my head, and not letting myself move in any way for fear of… fear of everything really. After all, I didn’t even know what he was going to find down there, down under… I had no knowledge of my genitalia; I avoided it as if it were not a real part of me, but something I was stuck with.
My heart was mortified, really, so shocked that this man was eating “us” out, and that I was kinda OK with it. It was as if I were breaking one of the Ten Commandments. Come to think of it, I probably was... My mind was racing, as usual, and lots of guilt was mushrooming inside of me. To add to my discomfort was the fact that the man who had volunteered for the job so to speak was not someone I desired or loved as a boyfriend.
It has taken quite a long time for both my mind to start calming down while between the sheets, and for my heart to stop acting like an outraged maiden from on high, to just let my body do its thang, so that they can all chill with our hidden, unknown sisters down below: the clitoris or the clit and the vulva.
Why is this alignment between all our body parts necessary? Not only because of a sense of fairness, but because a genuine orgasm, even though it may simply be a sexual one without much love involved, is still the best way out there to both relax and feel empowered at once.
The sound of sex
Question: "Why were you able to have an orgasm with Michael and not with your husband?...What makes it so difficult for you?"
Sally’s response: I was trying to trying very hard to go with it. I was tense. I came close...My mind just gets racing with thoughts. You'd laugh if I told you. I get so mentally hyperactive....I thought that I liked what Michael was doing to me, and it felt different from Jack. More gentle and more exciting. And I thought how different Michael was from Jack. How much deeper his vision of life was. And I thought Michael was a hedgehog and Jack was a fox. And then I thought Judy was a fox, and Gabe was a hedgehog. And I thought about all the people I knew, and which were hedgehogs, and which were foxes. Al Simon, a friend, was a hedgehog, and his wife Jenny was a hedgehog. And Cindy Salkind was a fox. And Lou Patrino was a hedgehog...
These words were some of the thoughts going through Sally’s head, played by Judy Davis in Woody Allen’s “Husbands and Wives” (1992), as her lover Michael was making love to her. In the film, Sally is a NY intellectual who is quite neurotic, and almost frigid. She cannot relax for the life of her, especially post-divorce; her husband left her for a younger woman who works as an aerobics instructor.
Dividing one’s social circle into hedgehogs and foxes while having sex may seem a bit exaggerated to some, yet I think Woody Allen hit the nail on the head as far as what too often happens with a woman’s mind as she is having sex. It seems to wander off into just about anything from the most trivial, mundane things to in-depth issues that may or may not concern the one she’s having sex with. And we women can also run through the gamut of our feelings, from fear to anger to joy, all while in the arms of the same guy who is doing the same thing.
I cannot overstate enough the importance of letting go of our heads, the voices in our heads, and focus on getting into our body’s experience with sex. Many times, I read posts on blogs by women complaining that quitting alcohol or soft drugs like weed, had decreased their libido. In my opinion, the higher sex drive in question when they were drinking or smoking had very little to do with the actual alcohol or drug, but much more to do with the effects of such substances on the mind, and thus on the body. It is about the mind-body connection, the emotion-physical connection---how our very biology affects our psyche and behaviour.
What jumps out at me when I read such accounts is that the alcohol or weed provided that positive looseness that many of us seem to lack in our sober state, and even more so in sex. I write positive looseness, because synonyms to looseness range from immorality and perversion to self-indulgence and sensuality; yet, looseness is the right word to describe a more relaxed, lustful, and unrestrained state of mind.
Women need to get out of their head when they’re having sex.
Remember the mind can only observe, compute and analyze LATER what is being felt and lived by the emotional and physical bodies. I still struggle on that front, but I have a firm intent to be fully present in the sexual connection , and I continue to make efforts to not get lost in my head’s labyrinth, but rather stay with my body’s experience. It has been a slow but sure progress so far.
Men need to open up to their huge fear of performance in the bedroom.
If there is one thing I have learned in and outside the bedroom is that underneath their presentation of stillness and toughness, there is an emotional volcano ready to erupt inside most men. They go out of their way to keep their feelings under wraps, especially fear, and even more so performance anxiety in sex.
Unfortunately for men, most of them are brought up to not show their emotions, especially fear ; they have no real outlet among their friends to discuss sexual issues.
I have witnessed men in their prime lose their erection even as they were having hot sex, and in a couple of cases, run into a sexual dysfunction… when not losing their sex drive completely. In general, these sexual symptoms of a deeper problem manifest themselves because of their bundled-up anxieties catching up with them as a strong energetic rise or push that they were not able to suppress right there and then. Then the problem may compound itself and start happening regularly if the repressed emotions that came up during sex, are not dealt with in a healing way. Men's sexual health issues are no different than women’s in that way… we all need to search for the source of the problem.
A male friend of mine had been sharing his sexual problems with me in the last couple of years---mainly that he is losing his sex drive, and has an increasingly harder time getting an erection. This man is an attractive, sexually active and very sexually experienced 45 year-old with a strong physical build, and a successful business. But even with all that experience, he is now running into a sexual dysfunction on a regular basis.
He has attributed his sexual performance problems to everything from global warming to the bad economy, but I think something else is at the heart of the matter. He admitted that there are some serious stresses in his marriage relationship, but didn’t want to develop the subject with me. What I felt was his fear that recognizing the problem, naming the problem would doom his marriage, for he loved his wife. I did not deny that there were other factors to also consider, but I insisted he looked at the whole situation, and what possible answers were feasible and accessible to him.
My friend is very in tune with his relationship and its problems, as he is crazy about his wife, and he is also a bright and sensitive man. This means that he can sense earlier than others when difficult issues arise, and what to do about them. At the same time, he is staying in his comfort zone, not wanting to rock the boat, because he is scared of confronting his wife.
Often, the solution that costs us the most, the one that pushes us outside of our comfort zone, is the door we need to walk through.
Debunking Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD)
I felt I had to underline this urban myth about Female Sexual Dysfunction, mainly because throughout my research about this topic and female orgasm, I have found huge discrepancies in the statistics and information out there. Some say 45% of women suffer from a sexual problem, others claim that 75% of women have not experienced an orgasm, while more modest results assert that only 10% of women can’t orgasm, and thus suffer from FSD.
In “Sex, Lies And Pharmaceuticals: How Drug Companies Are Bankrolling The Next Big Condition For Women,” writer Ray Moynihan investigated the pharmaceutical industry’s manipulation, and subsequent repackaging of women’s sexual issues. He found that 95 per cent of the experts who jumped on the FSD bandwagon had financial relationships with the company making a drug to treat it. What is really at stake here is the current agenda of some drug companies to create a sexual disorder for women, in order to sell them a sort of Viagra for women---a work-in-progress for the moment.
Theories and labels run wild about women’s so-called low libido or hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), from women’s sexuality being a thing of the brain or mind to “you’ve got a medical condition”. Yet, Barry Komisaruk reported in 1997 that women who had been paralyzed, and subsequently had no feeling below the breast area were, in fact, capable of having an orgasm. What’s more, women have the inborn capability of having multiple orgasms. Yet some of us aren’t having any. What’s going on here?
Basically, it sounds as if you’re not able to relax and enjoy yourself while you’re having sex, then you have FSD, and you could use some medication. Lovely! I almost never recommend taking pharmaceuticals of any kind, for any condition, but don’t take it from me: here’s what a female doctor had to say about FSD.
“One side effect of all the hype about female sex drugs has been the increasing media attention given to a group called the New View, a loose global network of feminist academics and clinicians, who are offering a very different conception of women's sexual problems. Rather than an "insufficiency" of blood flow, or a "deficiency" of testosterone to be fixed with pills and patches, the New View, and its co-founder Dr Leonore Tiefer, see sexual difficulties as due to a complex web of personal, social, cultural and sometimes medical reasons, often derived from relationship issues rather than individual dysfunctions. With characteristic humour Tiefer had given a speech not long before the 2004 FDA meeting, entitled 'Not tonight, dear, the dog ate my testosterone patch’.”
In “Sex drugs for women don't seem to be working,” by Ray Monihan
Let’s talk about sex!
What tickled and aroused us yesterday has changed quite a bit today, but in terms of sex talk, we can now address in a more open way the topic of sexual abuse but not so easily impotence, orgasm dysfunction, and other hurdles in the bedroom. It is as if it were easier to talk about us as sexual victims, rather than about our sexual inadequacies.
Even among women, when something is not working in our sex life, there is quite a bit of denial among us. Rest assured, very few of us have good sex often, let alone hot sex! Almost every time I have dealt with women, as friends, colleagues, customers or random people I helped, I felt they wanted to confide in me about what was NOT working sexually –cause we “somehow” and generally know inside that something is wrong. I shared with them very “embarrassing” or controversial aspects of my sex life in order to put them at ease to communicate. This is how I have noticed that most sexual dysfunctions or inadequacies have gotten much bigger by the sheer weight of the shame we feel, and the absolute and fearful judgements we put on those sexual issues.
So my dear, are you clitoral or vaginal or maybe both?
While men can have an ejaculatory orgasm or not, women can come through clitoral stimulation with tongue and/or fingers, or vaginal stimulation through penetration. There are some who can orgasm through the clit and vagina, but it is usually one or the other. Female ejaculation, otherwise known as squirting does also exist, but it is not so common. It must be noted that it is already difficult for a woman to surrender herself sexually, let alone ejaculate, since the fear of also peeing will most likely be felt intensely. Notwithstanding, I have noticed a certain fascination among men for a golden shower, but that’s another story!
In my world, I have another category of orgasm, which I like to call a heart orgasm. This emotionally packed orgasm can only happen through love sex, and I go on at length about it in the article entitled Naked is Sacred.
There is a wealth of information out there about sexual techniques, very practical and down to earth advice, where graphic depictions of fuse blowers are available for the seeker of knowledge. Fuse blowers can vary from cunnilingus secrets to how to massage the G-spot, but their ultimate goal is to put the woman’s mind at rest by focusing on her erogenous zones. As with all useful information, it’s good to keep in mind that there is no one-size-fits-all, and that is why it is important to communicate with another about what turns us on and what does not. Half of the little things I do to my partner in bed, he told me about…
Remember that you are the only one who knows what is going on inside of you, your sexual trigger points…and that those may evolve with time, depending on your partner(s) and the context.
Although I consider myself an understanding sexual partner, self-aware and vocal about her own sexual limitations, I find myself extremely impatient when my lover does not manage to stimulate my clitoris the right way immediately. Furthermore, as soon as my lover pulls on or rubs the wrong piece of skin, I get irritated, BUT I don’t generally say something. On the other hand, I have noticed that he, despite his own sexual guilt is more straightforward with me about his sexual triggers, and what I am doing to him.
Pre-judging affects the outcome
Moreover, I often judge way too fast, inside of me, whether or not my lover will be able to make me come or not. If I didn’t get immediate pleasure, I would lose patience and withdraw myself into my head, having too much guilt to end the sexual act within a few minutes! You might want to say that some situations do not require a long experience to know if it’s for you or not, and I would agree with you, but with sex, I feel more patience is in order, with the right people of course. Sex is an area that has been so heavily misunderstood and misjudged. We all need to be patient and understanding. Had the lovers I have had been as impatient with me giving them oral sex as I could be with them, I would have given up on blowjobs a long time ago!
I also asked myself that if I did not come right away or doubted that I would come right away, why should I have the sex then? I felt that if I did not get an immediate orgasmic-like pleasure, the sex was not worth my time. Fortunately and rightfully so, when I am with my boyfriend, I don’t look at our sexual life in the same instant gratification way; it is richer and not just about having an orgasm.
Giving time to the desire to build up and foreplay are also important as an orgasm is generally more intense as arousal is prolonged. It seems as though we don’t take time to do anything right anymore, as our modern society is more geared towards instant gratification, and quantity instead of quality. Teasing and petting each other in order to trigger sexual excitement can be very helpful to produce a deep orgasm. An orgasm that has had time to develop, will have a long-lasting effect, and it will satiate your sexual hunger.
It may seem contradictory to both encourage yourself to want to orgasm without obsessing about it, as if it were the only reason to have sex. The very movement of sex is beneficial and healthy for our bodies, and for our whole being. Equally important is to keep a certain sexual frequency in our life, to stay connected with our partners and our selves on a sexual level, whether or not we are having mind-blowing orgasms.
Wasn’t it the famous Manhattan madam, Kristin Davis, who said “sex can still be great, even without an orgasm”?
Food for Sex
It has been showed through studies that there is a link between sexual dysfunction or, simply put, sexual issues and eating disorders.
Although there are no miracle pills for orgasm, there are foods you can eat and alternative healing methods you can follow to enhance both your libido and stamina. I have written an article about them and more, entitled Healing Foods. As I recommend in Body Health, one needs to look at the whole when wanting to address issues with orgasms or any other health symptom for that matter. What and how do eat? What are your sleep patterns? Do you lead an active life? These and other questions you may wish to address as you seek to improve your sex life.
It’s All About the Orgasm!
“It was discovered that the orgastic convulsion governs all of the animal kingdom at the very roots of its bio-energetic existence. It was, furthermore, ascertained that the four-beat---tension ⟶charge⟶ discharge⟶ relaxation---also govern cell division. Expansion and contraction, the two basic paired functions of the orgasm dominate the development of the embryo.”
W. Reich in Cosmic Superimposition
In plain English, what Wilhelm Reich is trying to show us here is that orgasm is central to human life! Orgasm is something overlooked by so many women, and I find it quite disheartening that many women are seemingly more indifferent to orgasm and sex in general than men are. Although women are capable of having multiple orgasms, so many of us have given up on having a satisfying and pleasureful sex life, with or without orgasms.
Nobody really knows what makes you tick, and how you can get your groove back if you’ve lost it. What I do feel is most important to keep in mind is two-fold: get to know your Self and your sexual self. They are both essential to your well-being. Self-knowledge, combined with a firm intention to make your sex life healthier and more enjoyable will go a long way to assuring a happier and healthier life in all aspects.