Sexual Healing

For Marvin Gaye, sexual healing was the answer to almost all his problems. From rescuing him from emotional instability to relieving his mind and saving him from having to masturbate, sex was the answer.

While I completely agree that a healthy sexual relationship can bring a mountain of benefits to the people involved, for me, sex is more complicated than that.

The term sexual healing can be used to encompass everything from sexual abuse to sex addiction, from infidelity to intimacy, and from impotence to orgasm.

Early on in my self-healing, I have add to address in depth my childhood sexual abuse as painful memories of family incest resurfaced and affected me physically as if I were reliving them. In fact, quite rapidly, as I was plunging into this long denied and sordid part of my past, I felt as if my body and emotions had mixed all my sexual abuse together, from the sexual molestation I endured at the hands of my teenage neighbor at the time, to the time when I was raped.

I began to understand that outside of my mind, the rest of me lives life in a non-linear way or in a non-chronological manner.

The power of healing and sexual healing is such that it doesn’t necessarily take years to recover from years of sexual abuse, or any emotionally traumatic event. One can sometimes repair the damage much more quickly, because once one is ready to deal with the issue, fully and completely, we both stop the problem from getting worse and immediately start to heal it. When we have avoided dealing with a hurt from shame, fear, pain or whatever reason, the problem gets compounded, and we will often attract another similar experience more than once, as though our spirit and body and the Universe are trying to trigger us enough to make us deal with the problem. A lot of times, our minds make the issue bigger than it is, and keep us away from the solution.

Sex should not be a product.

Sex is not a product. Ideally, sex is meant to be experienced freely, not produced, and not scheduled.

In today’s consumer society, sex is a booming industry where the limits of what is sex and what is sexy are always pushed further and further. We have already undressed the dressed, peeked into other people’s bedrooms, swapped partners, and made shows revolving around people having sex or not. Some people have even managed to become celebrities overnight by simply leaking a sex tape with them in it. Actor Laurence Fishburne's daughter Montana has admitted that she made a home porn video to jump-start her acting career at 19 years of age; she was inspired by Kim Kardashian’s success following her own sex tape release. Apparently, the formula works, at least for some: Montana’s sex tape was wildly popular, and her DVDs were on back order!

In the world of celebrity sex tapes, I find Ms. Fishburne’s honesty refreshing; still, more outrageous erotic fantasies are getting difficult to produce, or, rather, it is becoming challenging to shock us sexually and visually. Although we can’t blame Lady Gaga for trying, Madonna and her SEX coffee table book are hard acts to follow! It’s hard to remember that only a generation ago, a pin-up girl’s picture was the ultimate sexual fantasy for men.

Bettie Page

Sex, unlike a computer, is not something that one can constantly upgrade with memory or gadgets every six months. It goes without saying that the sex industry, from pornography to phone sex, does answer the need for an immediate sexual release, which is often what is sought after in this fast-paced world. Notwithstanding, if one is interested in going further than fast-sex, just as one might want to taste healings foods or a home- cooked meal rather than fast-food, sexual healing is the way to go.

Sex involves us---human beings---emotionally, physically and mentally.

Sex can therefore become better sex only through our own reflection from experiences, our own inner knowledge of Self, and our own evolution.

Similar to detoxification and weight loss, there is no miracle pill to better sex, low libido, so-called Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD) or general sexual discomfort. There are certain cases where a medical treatment might be helpful, but with most healing your sexual self (ego link) starts with a form of counseling therapy. One does not necessarily have to go to a sexual therapist; what is crucial is our firm intention to do something about the problem(s) in a healthy way. A concrete solution may then show up on our path or we may have a vision of what needs to be done…The road is made by walking.

Healing your sexual Self:

A good starting point in the quest for sexual health and healthy sexual relationships is to first look at the traumas we might be holding inside of us around sexuality as a whole. One does not need to have gone through a rape or a sexual assault of any kind to feel held back or inhibited around sex. Although sexual healing is also about healing from sexual abuse, I have found that normal sex does not really exist. You might want to ask: “Is there a normal sexual behavior?”

I would have to respond in the negative, notwithstanding there are certain behaviors and attitudes common to many of us. Many of us try to project total confidence around our sexuality, while denying any confusion, doubt or problem with our sexual choices and lifestyle.

My own experience has led me to believe that things are more complicated than that. Many friends have confided in me and confessed much about their private lives, simply because I never shied away from sharing my most embarrassing and intimate details about my sexual life. I think the truth is that a lot of us are a whole lot more insecure than we would like the rest of the world to know. Insecurity itself is not the problem, but denying it and covering it up is no solution; the problem gets bigger the more it gets ignored.

Where is it?

I read not too long ago in a 1973 issue of Readers’ Digest, the condensed version of a gynecologist’s diary, Dr. William Sweeney III, excerpted from his book’s “A Woman's Doctor: A Year in the Life of an Obstetrician-Gynecologist” (1973), in which he shared some of his patients’ stories and struggles with maternity, abortion, vaginal cancer, and sexual health, among others. One of his patients had been married for about three years, but she had always faked orgasm with her husband, and hence did not experience any pleasure between the sheets.

She also admitted that neither she nor her husband knew much about the female sexual organs, including the location of her clitoris. The doctor proceeded to give his patient a full course in her own anatomy, including her genitalia; he felt that once the couple would be informed and able to speak about their sexuality honestly, they should start having better sex.

The point is well taken, in that one needs to know his/her body, including one’s private parts, and how they respond to touch. A healthy sexuality does not usually land in someone’s lap; it is a goal to strive for based on knowledge of the self, and conscious sexual experiences with other(s). Conscious sexual experience, in this context, means that our connecting sexually with another comes out of our own free choice, and not due to an external pressure of some sort. Sexual healing is no different than other healing methods, even though sex in general has been and still is so controlled by society, the religious, governmental and medical institutions that I feel a need to emphasize “from your own free choice”. After all, it was not so long ago that we had chastity belts made for both men and women to prevent them from masturbating!

Female and male chastity belts...thank God for evolution!

Imprisoning our sexual self blocks our natural flow of energy and our evolution. Even as we make “mistakes”, such as having slept with the wrong person, as long as we are practicing a form of “safe sex” that feels right for us, we can learn what works and does not work for us. We generally improve more through errors and failures than from successes. Failures, or less-than-satisfying sexual experiences push us to review our original perceptions of the situation; those perceptions in turn lead us to what we hold inside. And when it comes to sex, the well seems a bottomless pit of self-discoveries!

An object of desire:

It is not easy for a man to give a complete, real picture of his sexuality, of what is in truth happening in his psyche and with his body when he is having sex. This is partly due to an intense, relentless pressure men have about their performance in bed, not to mention the size of their penis can also play a big role (no pun intended!) in their sexual behavior.

Expanding the communication lines (link How to Have sex) with my companion has tremendously helped me understand our intimacy at a much deeper level. One of the biggest insights I received was his wanting to become an object of desire in the bedroom, and be liberated at the same time from the pressure to perform. I realized right there and then, that while I enjoyed being an object of desire, I had secretly wanted to become a subject in the bedroom, a subject of desire. It enlightened me about my own sexual fantasies, and the role that domination and rage sex played in it.

Sex rules!

In this section of our site, the topic of sex and relationships gets special attention, as well as the idea of nakedness being sacred, and other spiritual forms of sexuality such as Tantric sex.

My favorite philosopher, Wilhelm Reich, once said: “It is sexual energy which governs the structure of human feeling and thinking.” In other words, our true Self starts at a base: it begins with our sexual energy. Everything else, including our intellect and all other so-called higher functions of our Selves originate and branch out from that very foundation.

Essentially, we are, in fact, rooted in nature, our nature, which is a sexual nature.

Suggested Readings:

Healing From Infidelity

How to Have Sex

Open Relationship



The Art of Seduction

KA Healing Retreats, between Caponga Beach and Cascavel in Ceara, Brazil